i'm not gonna start with
"i have nothing to blog about."
because i have endless things that i want to say,
all fighting within me to get out, but dare i allow them to?
so i'll just type and type, keep my fingers moving, and maybe the courage will come
to allow me to share on script, what i darent share on lip. (Ooo. Rhymes.cool.)
so, its been a busy busy week.
theres hardly time for me to catch my breath, before
i have to turn off the lights to sleep
if i want to be able to keep
up with the next day.
and this hour that i've given to blogging, rightfully belongs to
my project work,
which is due on tuesday, and is barely even started.
DONT, even begin to ask me why.
One word,
procrastination.
shit.
my mum is in a bitchy naggy irritable mood,
and she's looking for the hole paper puncher,
which i distinctly remember being the last one to
use it to punch holes in my worksheets.
and i gave the extra one to nat. haha.
i can hear her working herself up into a fit from here.
leave me alone.
leave me alone.
anyways.
went for gabriel's 21st birthday party at an east coast chalet yesterday.
it was one of those barbeques that actually had edible food.
now that i think of it, i wish i had eaten more of the curry, and sotong.
shit.
i'm hungry.
before that, i was in town with Yow and suisui,
buying gabby's present.
and before that i was in the national library, doing project research.
i keep finding myself back at school work.
i think subconciously, my responsible side is acting up.
i've been thinking of quitting, withdrawing myself from the competition thing.
World Skills 2008.
My GPA made a plunge.
From a perfect 4.0,
to a borderline 3.5.
why i do i say borderline?
because it fucking is
fucking borderline.drop anymore i i wont be able to enter
polytechnic directly.
and the best part is that,
i'm having this childish reaction, of not knowing who
to push the blame to.
my school system just doesnt help me.
i fucking hate the fucking fucked up system.
i drag my ass to school every morning,
hang onto every last word my lecturer says,
hand in my assignments on time,
study, revise (thats the dishonest bit, kay, sometimes.)
but the point is, all for what,
to get my fucking A's.
and i do, i do get my A's.
but here comes along one Clinical Practice attachment FROM HELL.
with a terror striking, always right, lecturer, who shouts
if you give the wrong patient a fucking straw to drink from,
who gives me a B.
One single B,
my first ever B.
and turns my world upside down.
she's just one miniscule step,
from crushing my dreams.
honestly.
this is going to kill me.
and who can i blame but myself yes?
for failing to be an excellent nurse.even though i'm never late, for work or from coming back from breaks.
i have no attitude problem (i hide myself well.)
i always always try and do the best for my patients.
my colleagues love me.
i push myself.
i endure the countless ear blasting scoldings.
but what can i say.
i'm just NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
as a nurse, i'm just a bloody fucking B standard.
who the hell wants to be nursed by a B grade nurse.not me, thats for sure.
all nurses who arent A standard should just go kill themselves.
because NO ONE wants a nurse who screws up once in a while.
it could get someone killed.
we should just fucking die.
isnt that it?
so what am i suppose to do now.
i'm sitting on the fucking fence.
one more B, one more display of inperfection,
will kill me.
i'm treading on eggshells here.
but you know, even if i know that its my fault, for
sucking as a nurse.
i seem to find so many people to blame.
i could blame the fucked up SCHOOL SYSTEM for starters.
who only think of helping those lazy fucks who dont bother to study
for the exams.
those who get Cs all the way for tests.
and when they get a single B for their attachment,
their GPA is pulled up from a miserable 2.0 to like 2.5.
and all they did was NOTHING.
they dont even care if they make it to poly.
they have NO DREAM.
but for people like me.
who would die to smell polytecnic air.
this system does SHIT.
only lazy fuckers benefit from it.
people like me, are a sad minority in my school.
and i got an A for my last posting.
how the fuck did i get a B this time round?
when i know, that i worked twice as hard.
this i can only blame myself.
even though i want to blame the lecturer.
its so easy to blame her.
for failing to assess her students properly.
its easy to point fingers at her when i look round,
at other CP groups, where lecturers give out As liberally.
what can i say,
that she's stingy with her A's?
or that she expects a higher standard from her students.
did anyone bother to ask me.
if i wanted to be judged by higher standards?
oh wait.
if she saw this, she would shout at me.
"Dont you dare say i am strict! that i expect higher standards! i say now that i'm only maintain the basic nursing care!"
sure you are.
that means that other lecturers suck.
and their idea of basic nursing care is fucked.
because handfuls of their students get As, while only one student
managed to squeeze an A from you.
and that student fucking deserved an award.
i cant help but feel that if it werent for me being in the competition, i would
have been much better off.
i would be judged according to normal standards.
i would remain invisible.
i never wanted to stand out in this school.
i never liked this school.
all i wanted was to get out of it.
and now, she's just made it
so much harder.some people just dont think of how others feel.
they dont see that their actions have repurcussions.
so now i'm trapped.
stuck.
and you know what really sucked?
a lecturer said to me,
"You are not a A student in clinical, some people just cannot do it. Dont push yourself."What the fuck?
am i suppose to take this a compliment?
that yes, people recognise that i push myself at work.
or is it an insult?
like yes, you're are a B, and will always be one,face it, and stop bitching."
she had no idea how much it hurt to be told in the face, that i was just like that. and that i cant get any better.
they forget that i want to be a good nurse, an excellent one.
should i just give up my dream?
i thought teachers were suppose to encourage you to do better, not put you down.
i think i've said enough.
no more words can express this horrible, small, ugly feeling that i carry.
a newly planted seed of doubt.
i know i sound like a bitter, angry, spoilt kid.
like i cant face the fact that i didnt get an A, and now i'm blaming
everyone else but myself for it.
but the truth is,i blame myself the most.thats why i'm so angry.